35th Birthday

September 30, 2009

This year marked the passing of my 35 years of existence on this little blue ball. It’s been a wild ride, tha’ts for sure.

I’ve been experiencing pangs around this one. Pangs of the not-married, don’t-have-children, haven’t-opened-my-business variety. I feel the distinctive loss of frailty. The loss of ignorance. If I wanted to, I couldn’t even pretend now to be innocent. The days of angst and anxiety are truly gone, and with them, the bleeding heart poetry, experimentation,the recklessness, the discovery of new music, etc. It’s not that something incredibly amazing isn’t in it’s place. The confidence, a sense of place in the world, purpose, and capability is intoxicating in its own right. And my body is looking mighty Fine for a 35 yr old, or so I’m told! But I feel the ebb and flow in a singular way, and the vaccuum it leaves behind.

For the most part, birthdays are a celebration to me. I don’t think of it as getting older; just that I was ever born. I consider it my day to shine, to glow, to burst out in glorious chorus of Love for Self, for Spirit, for Fate, and my fellow loved ones.

Last year’s birthday was a crazy one. I had a wild hair about going hang-gliding, deep underground caving, and a dinner party for 20 thrown in. All those activities were breathtaking (note the pun) in their own right, but the birthday itself was precipitated by some heartbreak, romantically. This “trauma anniversary” was flaring up again just before this year’s birthday.

Because I had gotten so wild last year, I decided this year, despite it being a milestone, I wanted to stay mellow,and hold very little expectations. To treat the time-marker with grace, and gentleness. More of an embrace, less like arm wrestling.

So I had dinner with my mom on Friday night (Birthday was Sunday), which was awesome. She and I are in the times of our lives when we can meet each other, where we are. We are good friends, old friends really, and now just enjoy the space and company so freely available with the other. It’s so diamond/gold/titanium precious to me, I can’t overstate it enough.

I also spent some time with a boy I was dating- hiking, brunching, and lounging around, talking. It was sweet, and so wonderful.

I went to help my neighbor with her dinner party, chatted with guests, and then headed home to change for a milonga. I got on Tiny Black Dress, and arrived nervous and breathless. I love to tango Aregntine style, but hadn’t been in over 2 years. I met a new friend there, an astounding handsome and charismatic man , and we flirted/danced, talked and laughed.

The actual birthday had a make-your-own sushi party, and more than double the amount of people showed up than I expected! I really thougt it would be a quiet gathering. It was raining, so well all packed into my friends’ cozy house. It was very pleasant. I did all the things you are supposed to do on your big day-look nice, have great food, smile from being loved, and smoke hookah.

Overall, I am still walking the road. And I will go on walking, despite the age I feel, or the cultural times I’m in. And really, it’s my dreams that make the walk so rich, so colorful.

Right?

———————————————————————————————-

Tonight I’ve watched
the moon and then
the Pleiades
go down

The night is now
half-gone; youth
goes; I am

in bed alone

–Sappho

Photos-

http://brainyworld.com/wp-content/uploads/oldoryoung.gif

http://www.1st-art-gallery.com/thumbnail/116023/1/Young-Woman-Before-A-Mirror.jpg

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