Second True Confession

August 20, 2009

So it’s time for the second confession of the week. I’ve been sitting on this one for a long time, because of its’ sensitive nature.

I have been on a weight loss program, Weight Watchers, since January.

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My whole life, I have felt that to truly love and accept myself, started with the body. I learned, too young,how to use my body as a weapon, a tool, a wedge, a barrier. It’s acted as a wall, or as a garden. I believe that as she grows old, when she gets injured, or is debilitated in any physical or emotional way,to slow down, give her a hand, and ride it out. Make adjustments. My body is not just a sum of parts, it is a finely tuned and magnificent orchestra.

She is too precious to treat otherwise.

So over the years, I’ve noticed a few extra pounds here, and there. Nothing drastic, nothing quantifable. As in, “I had back surgery, so I gained 40 pounds.” Or, “I had a child, so I gained 30 pounds.”

It happened earlier this year. I went up my three flights of stairs, and I was out of breath. More so than usual I went to bend down and pet the cat, and the air sort of whooshed out my lungs. I was thinking, how strange. I bike every day, why should this wear me out so much.

I walked around my apartment, my mind listening to my body’s rhythms, not really paying attention to the dishes, the computer, the music playing. I didn’t see the view, didn’t hear the phone ring.

And I could feel it. REALLY feel it. The burden. The extra weight. It wrapped around my heart, my waist, my legs. It was suffocating my flexibility, and it was building, slowly, almost imperceptibly.

I met with my friend RawrFantastica, and she looked AMAZING. She said, in a move both casual and intense, “Yes, I’ve lost 40 pounds for the wedding later this year.” I was astounded. If Rawr could do it, so could I. She and I have similar temperments around food and exercise, and I trust her implicitly.

I made the decision, I was going to lose weight. I was going to both unconditionally accept and love my body, AND make a drastic change. And I was going to do it alone.

I work in an office where many people are on WW, and in addition, they are a bit..inquisitive as to my life/business. I didn’t want to expose my new lifestyle choice, especially if I decided to quit, to commentary such as “Are you sure you want to eat that? How much weight have you lost?”, etc, etc.

So I quietly joined, and only told a small handful of girlfriends. Who didn’t know each other. I kept it from my family, my best friend (this didn’t last long). It was strange. I originally wanted the discipline to come from Within, but as I did it, I certainly had trouble with isolation. I discovered several things throughout those first months, though–

1. I’d become an extremely emotional eater. This developed because of stress.

2. Even though I’m pretty aware of nutrional value of food, I had no idea how to read, interpret or navigate fat content.

3. I did not know how to eat filling foods, that wouldn’t slow me down, or add more fat and empty calories.

4. Justifications, such as “Well, if this is the worse thing I am doing..then I’m okay!” is just a method to sabotage my current emotional state, because I am frustated at a lack of control over my life. I have a little rebellion, eat badly, then deal with it later.

All of these things haven’t lead me to be morbidly obese, but they HAVE led me to gain more weight than I ever have in my life, and get to the point where I am losing breath and flexibilty in my daily life.

So I am happy to say that after at least 6 months, the program DOES work for me. I’ve lost around 15 pounds, and keep dropping. I set new goals, and manage food very differently than ever before. I feel empowered. I feel successful. And now that I’m sharing it with the world, a little exposed and freaked out, but mostly good! *grin*

If you have weight stories you want to share, I would love to hear them. And for those of you who are fighting your own body demons, I say, Don’t give up! It’s worth it. Trust me. And, I support you, unconditionally.

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